Everything I write comes down to one thing: replacing default with intention. Default is what you do without choosing it, repeating what was done before or what others do. Intention is consciously committing to a direction. Each piece approaches it from a different angle, and together they build toward an authentic, happy and meaningful life.

You may recognize that something needs to change, yet keep returning to the same question: where would I even begin?

The change can feel so large that we treat it as one decision. Stay or leave. Continue or stop. Keep everything as it is or turn your life upside down. Faced with that choice, it can feel easier to default to simply continuing as we are, even when we know something needs to change. But between those extremes, there may be possibilities we have barely explored.

I developed an exercise to make those possibilities more visible. It helps you move from a situation that feels overwhelming to a first step you can actually consider taking.

Recognizing where you have room
In the piece on control, I explored how we can change the way we experience a situation. Here, we turn to what we can do when something in our lives needs to change.

That room differs greatly between people and circumstances. Money, health, responsibilities, discrimination, and access to support all affect what is possible. As we’ve discussed before, sometimes taking a next step depends on someone else helping to make it possible.

But a situation can also feel fixed before we have fully explored it. We may assume that changing one part would require giving up everything else. We may fear what a conversation would lead to, without yet knowing what could come from having it.

Avoiding the question can bring temporary relief. It can also allow an old pattern to keep directing us.

Remaining where you are may be necessary, or it may be an honest response to what feels right. Sometimes you need time to recover or understand a situation before deciding what to do. The question is whether you have had the chance to consider what is actually possible, rather than assuming there is only one way to continue.

A first step without deciding everything
A friend of mine had been deeply unhappy in her marriage for a long time, but she could not see a way out. We had talked about it countless times. At some point, when I noticed I was finding it difficult to keep listening and offering the same advice, I realized that what I was saying was not helping. We were talking about a change that felt too large for her to consider.

So I suggested something much smaller. She did not have to decide whether to leave her marriage. She could call her doctor and ask for a referral to a psychologist, so she could talk about her worries with someone who could support her.

I told her that today, right now, the only thing she had to do was take two minutes to call her doctor. That was all. She did not have to decide anything. Just go and talk to somebody.

And she made the call. With professional support and a series of small next steps, she gradually found a way forward. Over approximately a year, that led to a divorce.

When she made that call, she did not have to know where it would lead. She only needed to take a step that made another step possible. Sometimes the experience, information, or support those smaller steps bring makes it possible to continue.

Exploring more than two possibilities
The exercise begins with one particular situation. It could concern your work, a relationship, the way you spend your time, or something you keep postponing.

On a sheet of paper, you could draw a horizontal line with zero degrees on the left and 180 degrees on the right. Zero represents the situation as it is now. At the other end is the most complete change you can imagine in relation to that situation.

Before considering change, it helps to describe what is already happening. How does this situation affect you? What is difficult about it? What is good and worth keeping? If it continued this way, what would that mean for how you live?

Then you can explore the other extreme, temporarily setting aside the question of how you would get there. We never want to default to making something about the process again when it should be about the content. What would be different? How would you feel? How would you spend your time and relate to others?

The far end of the line is an option to examine. Somewhere between the two ends may be a way of living that feels more in accordance with who you are and what you value.

For example, work may be taking so much of your attention that you have little left for your family. At 180 degrees, you might imagine leaving that work altogether. But what feels right may be a different way of working, with clearer boundaries or more support. You may care about the work and want to keep it in your life, while changing the place it occupies.

Even when you recognize a change you want, it may still feel too large. Later in the exercise, we will explore what could change along the way, making it easier to identify a first step.

This is where your earlier exploration of strengths and purpose can help. What feels authentic here? What would allow you to express what matters to you? Are you responding to something meaningful, or imagining a life that would mainly look good to others?

Giving the possibility some substance
Once you recognize a point on the line that feels worth exploring, you can describe what life would be like there. What would you be doing differently? How would you behave toward the people around you? What would receive more of your attention, and what would receive less?

Imagining ordinary life can make this more useful than naming an achievement. What would a day look like? What would it feel like to wake up into that situation? What would you want your way of living to express, and what would that make possible for the people around you? As in the earlier piece on purpose, imagining looking back on your life can help you recognize what you would want to have given your attention to.

There is research on a related exercise called the Best Possible Self, in which people write about a future where things have gone as well as possible. A review of 29 studies found average improvements in optimism, well-being, and positive emotions compared with control exercises.

My exercise uses imagination to explore what feels meaningful and possible. The picture you create remains open to what you learn. As I explored in the piece on fixed ideas, our current understanding is only part of what life may reveal.

The useful question is what that picture helps you recognize now. Perhaps it is a need for connection, freedom, rest, or a more authentic way to contribute. That recognition gives you something to work with, even if the form it eventually takes is different from what you imagined.

Making the change smaller
The next part is where the exercise becomes more practical.

A second line runs from your current situation to the possibility you have identified. The right-hand end now represents that possibility, wherever it sat on the original line.

Halfway along, what would already be different? What would you have changed, learned, or put in place?

Then comes a mark a quarter of the way from the starting point. What would have changed to get you that far?

That quarter mark becomes a provisional point to work toward. A third line can show just that first stretch, from where you are now to the smaller change. This gives you room to list the actions that could help, put them in an order that makes sense, and notice where you need information or support.

In the example of work taking over family life, the first stretch might be understanding which demands could change and exploring a different arrangement. Possible actions could include looking at where your working time goes, identifying one recurring problem, and arranging a conversation about it. You have something to explore before making a decision about whether to leave.

The quarter mark is a visual aid. If that stretch still feels too large, it can become smaller again. The aim is to identify a first step you can take, without needing a complete plan for the future.

Research supports being specific about taking that step. A review of 94 tests found that implementation intentions, plans specifying when, where, and how to act, helped people achieve their goals more effectively than having an intention alone.

Could you take that step today? If not, decide when you will take it. Specify where and how. As we explored in the piece on wish and will, wanting something to change can remain a wish if we leave it at something we might do someday. Making a concrete plan helps us put that intention into action.

This brings us back to the first piece in the series. You can begin without knowing the whole picture. Acting also gives you information you could not have gained by imagining every step in advance.

Looking at the first step honestly
Once the first step is visible, it becomes easier to examine what it actually asks of you. It can help to imagine already having taken that step. What has actually changed? Have you made a commitment, gathered information, or opened a conversation? Which options would remain available afterward?

There may be a considerable difference between asking about another arrangement and resigning from your job. Recognizing that difference can help separate fear of the whole imagined change from the consequences of the first action.

You can also ask how feasible the step feels, on a scale from one to ten. The number gives you a way to explore what would help. Is the action too large? Is something unclear? Would guidance, more time, or doing it with someone make a difference?

Someone you trust may also help you follow through. A review of 138 experimental studies found that interventions encouraging people to monitor their progress helped them stick with it. Effects were larger when progress was recorded or reported to someone else. Support can be as simple as telling someone what you intend to do and asking them to check in.

Confidence can grow through doing
You may be waiting to feel more confident before you begin. But confidence generally develops through the experience of doing.

Psychologist Albert Bandura described self-efficacy as our belief in our ability to carry out an action. His work identifies successful experience as an important source of that belief. Doing something and discovering that you can manage it gives you a different basis for confidence from reassurance alone.

This is relevant to willpower too. When you can see something within reach and experience yourself responding to it, continuing may feel more possible. Of course, you may also discover that the approach needs changing or that you need more support. Then adjusting your approach or finding that support becomes your next step.

Research by Teresa Amabile and Steven Kramer offers another perspective. In their studies of daily working life, making progress in meaningful work, including small progress, was strongly connected with better emotions and motivation.

This connects progress with willpower and perseverance too. Experiencing that our efforts are making a difference can bring satisfaction and encouragement to continue, even before the larger change is either visible or within reach. This is part of how one small step can set you in motion: progress gives you motivation to continue, and those next steps add up to real growth and change.

Acting while leaving room for surrender
In my view, taking a step and surrendering belong together. Paying attention may reveal something that asks for action. I can respond to it while allowing the next part to become clear through experience.

The exercise helps me explore what I can influence. It does not require me to know in advance what my path must become. Sometimes we begin with nothing more than a feeling that something is off, or that the life we are living no longer feels right. We may not yet understand what that feeling is pointing toward. Taking one small step can help it become clearer. A conversation might reveal an unexpected possibility. An attempt might show us that another approach is needed. We may discover a direction we would never have recognized if we had defaulted to continuing with what we know, simply because it felt more comfortable than making a change.

In terms of purpose, this is a way to examine whether the life I am living gives room to what I value, what sustains me, and what I can offer others. The change may concern caring for the foundation, making my contribution available, or recognizing a better balance between the two.

And the meaning of the step belongs to this moment. If you have taken the time to feel if it’s right (heart over head) at this moment, that is living your path.

In practice
You could explore the exercise through these questions, using the lines to make each part visible:

1. What situation needs my attention, and what is it like now? What matters enough to change, and what do I want to keep?

2. What would the opposite extreme look like? Where between the two possibilities does something feel more authentic and meaningful?

3. If I moved in that direction, what would change halfway there? What would change a quarter of the way?

4. What actions could support that first stretch? Which depend on me, and where would I need information or help?

5. What would the first step actually involve? What are its consequences, and which options would remain open?

6. How feasible does it feel, from one to ten? What would make it more manageable?

7. What can I begin now? If the step needs more time, what would help me prepare for it?

After acting, there is another question: what do I notice now? The answer may help you continue, adjust, pause, or recognize a possibility that was not visible before.

Carrillo et al. (2019)
Harkin et al. (2016)
Bandura (1977)
Amabile & Kramer (2011)
Gollwitzer & Sheeran (2006)