Everything I write comes down to one thing: replacing default with intention. Default is what you do without choosing it, repeating what was done before or what others do. Intention is consciously committing to a direction. Each piece approaches it from a different angle, and together they build toward an authentic, happy and meaningful life.

While I was struggling to find the inspiration and the right way to begin this section on kindness, a message arrived from the organizers of a program where I mentor women early in their careers in quantum physics and technology. They wanted my advice on an ethics guide for their mentoring program.

They approached me for my expertise as a certified consultant in diversity, equity, inclusion, belonging, and justice. I’m not the world’s expert, but I have completed an extensive program at UC Berkeley and developed training in DEI and unconscious bias. Their mentors and mentees come from different backgrounds, cultures, and experiences, and they wanted to create an environment where everyone felt comfortable, accepted, and valued.

I had just written about and purchased Epictetus’s Enchiridion, a handbook on ethical living from around nineteen hundred years ago. As I began reading this ancient ethics manual, I received a request to help develop one for the mentoring program.

What I find beautiful is the care behind that initiative. These women are bringing people together and consciously considering what those people need to feel welcome, respected, and supported. They are taking responsibility for making that happen.

That is kindness expressed through what we create. It belongs in how we organize a community, whose experiences we consider, and how we choose to treat one another. Replacing default with intention can mean making that care part of the way something works from the beginning.

Kindness brings happiness into two lives at once. Sometimes many more. Receiving that message reminded me how much happiness there is in seeing others act on their care, and being invited to contribute to it.

What kindness gives back
In one study, participants kept track of the kind things they did each day for a week. Those who did so reported a greater increase in happiness than a comparison group. Simply paying attention to our own kindness can change how we experience our lives.

Another study gave participants either five or twenty dollars to spend that day on themselves or on someone else. Those assigned to spend on others reported greater happiness that evening. Receiving twenty dollars rather than five, however, did not produce significantly greater happiness. In this experiment, having four times as much to spend made no clear difference. What mattered was how they used it. Even a small amount offered an opportunity to contribute to someone else’s life and experience happiness through doing so.

Care includes ourselves
Being kind does not require being available to every person and every request. In Give and Take, organizational psychologist Adam Grant explores why some generous people become exhausted or exploited, while others sustain their contribution. He distinguishes giving that neglects our own needs from giving that takes both our needs and those of others seriously.

We belong among the people whose wellbeing matters. As we explored in relation to purpose, caring for ourselves supports our ability to keep contributing. We can remain generous while being clear about what we can give.

Cultivating care
We have already explored how loving kindness meditation can support our own happiness, but research also suggests that deliberately wishing someone well can increase the connection we feel toward them, even when we do not know them.

In one experiment, participants spent seven minutes practicing loving kindness, including looking at a stranger’s photograph and wishing that person health, happiness, and wellbeing. A comparison group looked at a stranger’s photograph while focusing on details of their appearance. Those who practiced loving kindness showed greater increases in positive feelings and connection toward strangers afterward. Consciously directing goodwill changed how they felt toward someone, even without an interaction.

We can cultivate the care we bring to acts of kindness. Feeling more connected to someone may help us approach them with greater warmth and find more enjoyment in what we offer. 

This connects the two sides of the Well. What nourishes us supports what we offer, and what we offer can nourish us in return. Kindness always gives back, even if it’s just through the act itself.

Dunn, Aknin & Norton (2008)
Epictetus (second century CE)
Grant (2013)
Hutcherson, Seppala & Gross (2008)
Otake et al. (2006)